12.8
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:
A TIMELESS LEADERSHIP CHALLENGE
Inspired by Albert Bernstein, Sydney Craft Rozen, Robert Bramson, and Roberta Cava.No matter how skilled you become as a leader, difficult people will challenge you. Books about
difficult people identify these people by colorful names like Ogres, Machiavellis, Fence-Sitters,
Corporate Grouches, Dinosaurs, Bulldozers, Blowhards, and Stones. This tool will help you
understand these difficult people, whether they are employees, bosses, or customers, and sug-
gest ways of dealing with them. But first, a general word of caution: Most people, like yourself,
are struggling to do the best they can. If you continually find people in your life difficult while
other people don’t find them so, you may need some feedback and coaching on your person-
al style.
Principles for dealing with difficult people (whatever their organizational position):
➠ Every person lives by a set of values, principles, and rules. Just as a fish takes water for
granted, most people are unaware of the basis of their thoughts and actions. Self-aware-
ness is an essential leadership attribute. Learn about yourself and how others may be
different from you. [☛14.7 Personal Preferences]
➠ Rarely does it work to deal with the problem behavior at the level that it was expressed.
Don’t get drawn into the problem person’s logic. Rather, step outside the person’s
frame of reference to deal with the behavior. [☛8.5 Metacommunicating]
➠ Don’t take it personally. Although on occasion you would like to throttle the culprit,
keep your professional cool. Our innate reptilian responses—fight, flight, or freeze—are
rarely effective with difficult people. (This tool provides alternative strategies.) [☛15.2
Emotional Intelligence]
➠ All difficult people genuinely believe that their behavior is logical and realistic. Bizarre
as it may seem, difficult people may be trying to help you!
➠ Not much works with the most difficult of difficult people. If a difficult person’s behav-
ior is a result of deep-seated insecurity, challenging the behavior, even indirectly, will
push the difficult person into an even more defensive position.Here are some common types of difficult people and how you can understand them. A
checklist of suggestions for dealing with each type of difficult person is presented in the next
section.
384 SECTION 12 TOOLS FORLEADINGRELATIONSHIPS
Most people describe difficult people as
Aggressors—easy to recognize by their bullying,
bombarding, pushiness, emotional arrogance, and
use of anger. Some references distinguish between
Aggressors. With Secure Aggressors, you need to
stand up and fight a word battle to become one ofFor Aggressors, the world is a win–lose place.
Power means being able to control people,
resources, and space. Being vulnerable is anathema
to them. They believe people must fear and
respect them. Aggressors need to continuallyAggressorsType How to recognize them What drives their behavior