A Life of Feeling 463
Does this kind of experience last long however? Can one possess
such exultation daily and be happy for life? Most of us cannot
maintain such an experience for very long. And so what grieves the
believer most is that upon enjoying such ain experience—generally
speaking, for about a month or two—his most beloved joy suddenly
vanishes. He rises as usual in the morning to read his Bible yet where
is the former sweetness? He prays as before but finds himself
exhausted after a few words. He feels as if he has lost something. Not
long ago he was judging others for being far behind him in the
spiritual race, but now he considers himself to be one of them. His
heart has turned cold; the earlier sense of a fire burning within has
been smothered. No longer is he conscious of the presence and
proximity of the Lord; instead the Lord appears to be quite remote
from him. He now begins to wonder where the Lord has gone. To
suffer becomes a real suffering now because he cannot sense any
more the former joy he had in suffering. Moreover, he has lost
interest in preaching: he no longer feels like continuing on after
saying but a few words. In sum, during such an episode everything
seems to be dark, dry, cold and dead. It appears to the believer as
though he has been abandoned by the Lord in a tomb; nothing can
comfort his heart. His former expectation of lasting bliss has faded
completely away.
At this moment the child of God will naturally surmise that he
must have sinned and that the Lord has consequently forsaken him
(for if he had not sinned, he reasons, the Lord would not have
withdrawn His presence, would He?). Accordingly, he probably sets
about scrutinizing his recent conduct, trying to ascertain how he has
sinned against the Lord. He hopes that upon confession the Lord will
return and replenish him with that previous feeling of intimacy and
high spirits. As he examines himself, however, he cannot detect any
special sin; he seems to be just the same as before. And so the
believer once more resumes his inward inquiry: if today’s condition
provokes the Lord to depart from me, he asks himself, why did He
not forsake me before? And if I have not sinned, then I say again