A Life of Feeling 465
does he not love the Lord and has he not longed to be near Him?
How can he abide the absence of the sensing of God’s love?
He goes forth to find God. He struggles to free himself from this
desolate state, but without success. Even when he can force himself
into manifesting some good conduct, his heart secretly condemns
him as being hypocritical. It is not easy for him to succeed in
anything for his failures are many. This naturally intensifies his
suffering. If anyone should praise him at this moment he is keenly
embarrassed, because no one can appreciate how miserable he is
inside. On the other hand if anyone should blame him, he senses the
rightness of it because he understands his own weakness. He deeply
admires those who are advancing in the Lord and who are having
sweet communion with Him. He looks upon all others around him as
better than he since they each possess some measure of good while
he has not a shred.
Will this barren condition continue forever? Or will he regain his
former experience? What usually happens is as follows. After awhile,
perhaps within a few weeks, the coveted feeling suddenly returns to
him. This may occur at the hour of listening to a sermon, or
following earnest prayer in his early morning devotion or during his
midnight meditation. The time varies but the joy does return. During
this break in the believer’s condition, all which had been forfeited is
restored. The presence of the Lord is as precious as before; the glow
of love fires up again in his bosom; prayer and Bible reading become
sweet as in days gone by; and the Lord is so lovely and so
approachable that He can almost be touched. To draw nigh to Him is
not a burden but the pleasure of his heart. Everything is transformed:
no more darkness, suffering and staleness: all is now light, joy and
refreshment. Since he considers his unfaithfulness the reason for the
Lord’s departure, he thereafter uses all diligence to preserve what is
regained, lest he be deprived of this life of feeling all over again. His
outward conduct is more careful than ever; he serves the Lord daily