term relationships since college—she wound up having the happiest,
most secure relationship of all!
- Give secure people a chance.
But the abundance philosophy loses its effectiveness if you fail to
recognize a keeper when you find one. Once you’ve recognized
someone you’ve met as secure, remember not to make impulsive
decisions about whether s/he is right for you. Remind yourself that you
might feel bored at first—after all, there is less drama when your
attachment system isn’t activated. Give it some time. Chances are, if
you are anxious, you will automatically interpret calmness in the
relationship as a lack of attraction. A habit of years is not easy to shed.
But if you hold out a little longer, you may start to appreciate a calm
attachment system and all the advantages it has to offer.
Beware: Attachment Stereotyping
By dividing attachment behavior along gender lines, we can fall
into the common trap of equating avoidance with masculinity.
Research findings, however, prove that there are many men
who are far from being avoidant—they communicate freely, are
loving and affectionate, do not retreat during conflict, and are
consistently there for their partner (i.e., are secure). Another
misperception is that we associate the anxious attachment style
with femininity when in fact most women are secure and there
are plenty of men who have an anxious attachment style.
However, it is important to keep in mind that there are also
women who fit the avoidant description. When it comes to
attachment and gender, the most important fact to remember is
that the majority of the population—both male and female—are
secure.