TOGETHER BUT APART: THE COMPROMISE

THAT SATISFIES NO ONE

So how do people with an avoidant attachment style suppress their
attachment needs and maintain a distance in their relationships? Let’s
take a closer look at the various techniques they use to keep their
distance from the person closest to them—from everyday deactivating
strategies to overarching perceptions and beliefs.

• Mike, 27, has spent the last five years with someone that he
  feels is not his intellectual equal. They love each other very
  much, but there’s always an underlying dissatisfaction in Mike’s
  mind about the relationship. He has a lingering feeling that
  something is missing and that someone better is just around
  the corner.


• Kaia, 31, lives with her boyfriend of two years but still reminisces
  about the freedom she enjoyed when she was single. She
  seems to have forgotten that, in actuality, she was very lonely
  and depressed on her own.


• Stavros, 40, a handsome and suave entrepreneur, desperately
  wants to get married and have kids. He knows exactly what he’s
  looking for in a wife. She has to be young—no more than 28—
  good-looking, career-oriented, and no less important, she must
  be willing to move back with him to his hometown in Greece.
  After more than ten years of dating, he still hasn’t found her.


• Tom, 49, married for decades to a woman he once worshipped,
  now feels trapped and seizes every possible opportunity to do
  things on his own—whether taking solo trips or attending events
  with male friends.

All of these people have one thing in common: an avoidant attachment
style. They feel a deep-rooted aloneness, even while in a relationship.
Whereas people with a secure attachment style find it easy to accept