partners’ reactions to this rating process. Avoidant individuals were
found to be less accurate than anxious individuals at perceiving their
partners’ thoughts and feelings during the experiment. It was common
for avoidants to interpret their partner’s reaction as indifferent if they
rated someone as highly attractive, when, in fact, their partner had
been quite upset by it.
John Gray, in his enormously popular book Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus, starts out by describing the aha moment that
made him write the book. Several days after his wife, Bonnie, gave
birth to their baby girl in a very painful delivery, John went back to work
(all signs showed she was on the mend). He came home at the end of
the day, only to discover that his wife had run out of painkillers and had
consequently “spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.”
When he saw how upset she was, he misinterpreted her distress as
anger and became very defensive—trying to plead his innocence.
After all, he didn’t know she had run out of pills. Why hadn’t she called?
After a heated exchange, he was about to stomp angrily out of the
house when Bonnie stopped him: “Stop, please don’t leave,” she said.
“This is when I need you most. I’m in pain. I haven’t slept in days.
Please listen to me.” At this point John went over to her and silently
held her. Later he says: “That day, for the first time, I didn’t leave her..
. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me.”
This event—the stress and responsibility of having a newborn and
his wife’s highly effective communication—helped to invoke a secure
working model in John. It helped bring him to the realization that his
wife’s well-being is his responsibility and sacred duty. This was a true
revelation for him. From someone who was busy looking out for his
own needs and responding defensively to his partner’s requests and
dissatisfactions, he managed to shift to a more secure mind-set. This
is not an easy task if you have an avoidant attachment style, but it is
possible if you allow yourself to open up enough to truly see your
partner.