FOR “THE ONE”

These are the two trickiest tools that you may be using to short-change
yourself in love. You convince yourself that you have a true longing for
someone from your past or that the right person is just around the
corner and you can easily undermine yourself in love. Embracing the
notion of the “perfect” partner is one of the most powerful tools an
avoidant can use to keep someone else at bay. It allows you to believe
that everything is fine with you and that the person you’re with now is
the problem—he or she is just not good enough. In addition to creating
distance between you and your partner, it can also confuse him/her;
when your partner hears how you miss your ex, or how you long for the
perfect soul mate, it leads him/her to believe that you’re craving true
closeness and intimacy, when in fact you’re driving it away.

The Phantom Ex

One of the consequences of devaluing your romantic relationship is
that you often wake up long after the relationship has gone stale,
having forgotten all those negative things that annoyed you about your
partner, wondering what went wrong and reminiscing longingly about
your long-lost love. We call it the phantom-ex phenomenon.
Often, as happened with Carole who “rediscovered” her feelings for
Bob only after she’d broken up with him, once the avoidant person has
put time and distance between herself and the partner whom she’s lost
interest in, something strange happens: The feelings of love and
admiration return! Once at a safe distance, the threat of intimacy is
gone and you no longer feel the need to suppress your true feelings.
You can then recall all of your ex’s great qualities, convincing yourself
that he or she was the best partner you ever had. Of course, you can’t
articulate why this person wasn’t right for you, or remember clearly why
you ended things in the first place (or perhaps behaved so miserably
that he or she had no choice but to leave). In essence, you put your
past partner on a pedestal and pay tribute to “the love of your life,” now