IT’S NOT ME; IT’S YOU—CHOOSING A PARTNER

If you have a secure attachment style, you know how to sidestep many
of the obstacles that people with other attachment styles have difficulty
dealing with. You naturally gravitate toward those with the capacity to
make you happy. Unlike the anxious, you don’t let an activated
attachment system distract you—you aren’t addicted to the highs and
lows of being with someone who keeps you guessing all the time.
Unlike avoidants, you aren’t diverted by false fantasies of the perfect
person waiting for you or “the one” that got away, and you don’t
unconsciously employ deactivating strategies that cause you to get
cold feet when someone starts to get close.
As a secure, the opposite is true of you—you believe that there are
many potential partners open to intimacy and closeness who would be
responsive to your needs. You know you deserve to be loved and
valued at all times. You are programmed to expect that. If someone
sends out vibes that are not in line with these expectations—if they’re
inconsistent or evasive—you automatically lose interest. Tanya, 28, a
secure woman we interviewed, put it very simply:
“I’ve slept with eleven guys in my life and they’ve all wanted to have
a serious relationship with me. I guess it’s something I convey. I know
that I get the message across that I’m someone who’s worth getting to
know, not just in bed, that if they stick around, there’s a treasure to be
revealed.
“The guys I show interest in don’t play games—that is very
important to me. They call immediately the next day, or at the very
latest the next evening. In return, right from the start I show them that
I’m interested. There were only two men in my life that waited two
days to call, and I screened them both out immediately.”
Notice that Tanya wastes no time at all on men she perceives as not
being responsive enough to her needs. To some, her decisions might
seem rash, but for secure people such behavior comes naturally.
Studies in the field of attachment have confirmed that subjects with a