more secure attachment style are indeed less likely to play games.
Tanya knows intuitively which partners are wrong for her. Game playing
is a deal breaker as far as she is concerned. The important thing
about her approach is that Tanya assumes that if her partner treats her
disrespectfully, it’s indicative of his inability to be responsive in a
relationship, and not of her own worth. She also doesn’t have too many
negative feelings about these two men. It’s just a nonissue for her, and
she instinctively moves on. This is very different from someone anxious
who would probably assume that she was to blame for her date’s
actions. She might start to second-guess her own behavior—“I must
have come on too strong,” “I should have invited him up,” or “It was so
stupid to ask about his ex”—giving the wrong people a second, third,
or fourth chance.
In Tanya’s case, she’d seen enough and found it pointless to move
forward with men she could tell were unable to meet her emotional
needs. But in case of doubt, one of the tools most frequently used by
people with a secure attachment style is effective communication—
they simply surface their feelings and see how their date reacts. If their
partner shows true concern for their well-being and a willingness to find
a middle ground, they’ll give the relationship a chance. If not, they won’t
stick around to fight what they believe to be a losing battle (see
chapter 11).

Finding the Right Partner—the Secure Way

The principles we advocate throughout this book for finding the

right partner are employed intuitively by people with a secure

attachment style. They include:

• Spotting “smoking guns” very early on and treating them
  as deal breakers.


• Effectively communicating your needs from day one.


• Subscribing to the belief that there are many (yes, many!)
  potential partners who could make you happy.