8.

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

When the two people in a couple have colliding intimacy needs, their
relationship is likely to become more of a storm-tossed voyage than a
safe haven. Here are three examples of what we mean.

THE DIRTY LAUNDRY

Janet, 37, and Mark, 40, have been living together for almost eight
years. For the past two years they’ve been having an ongoing dispute
about whether to buy a washing machine. Mark is strongly in favor—it
will save them a lot of time and hassle. Janet is adamantly opposed
—their Manhattan apartment is tiny, and fitting in another appliance
will mean cramping their style even more. Besides, as she sees it,
she’s responsible for the laundry, so why is Mark making such a big
deal about it? When they discuss the subject, they both become
highly emotional and it usually ends by Janet clamming up or Mark
exploding.
What are they fighting about?
To get at the real issue, let’s add the following piece of information
to the equation: When Janet does the laundry, it’s on weekends and
she goes to her sister’s place around the block. This is the sensible
thing to do—her sister has a washing machine, it’s free and less
trouble. She then idles away the entire day there. Janet has an
avoidant attachment style and is always finding opportunities to do
things without Mark. For Mark, who has an anxious attachment style,
the desire for a washing machine is really a wish for something else
altogether—to be close to Janet.