When viewed in this light, we can see that the washing machine
dispute is only a symptom of the real issue—the fact that Mark and
Janet have very different needs when it comes to closeness and
spending time together.

A ROMANTIC BED-AND-BREAKFAST IN

VERMONT

Susan, 24, and Paul, 28, decide to go on a spontaneous weekend
trip to Vermont. When they get there, they check out two B&Bs. Both
places are cozy and inviting. One has a room with two single beds
and the other has a room with one large queen-size bed. Paul wants
the room with the two single beds, because the view is spectacular.
Susan wants the one with the large bed—she can’t imagine going on
a romantic getaway and having to sleep in a separate bed. Paul is a
little dismissive of Susan. “We sleep in the same bed every night,
what’s the big deal? At least we can enjoy the view here.” Susan feels
ashamed that she has this strong need to be close to Paul at night,
but still, she just can’t imagine them sleeping in separate beds on
their vacation. Neither wants to give in, and the argument threatens
to spoil the weekend.
What is this disagreement about? On the face of it, a difference in
taste when it comes to hotel rooms. Susan’s insistence seems a bit
extreme. But what if you knew that Paul hates to cuddle with her before
going to sleep? That this bothers Susan greatly and that she feels
rejected by his behavior? What if you knew that she’s sure that with two
separate beds he will rush to his own the minute the sex is over? In this
fuller context, she doesn’t seem so unreasonable anymore. We can
interpret her concern as a fundamental need for closeness that is
going unmet.