every new development in the relationship (getting married,
having kids, moving to a new home, making money, or
becoming ill) these basic differences will manifest themselves,
and the gap between partners may widen as the challenges
become greater.- Conflict is often left unresolved because the resolution itself
creates too much intimacy. If you are anxious or secure, you
genuinely want to work out a relationship problem. However, the
resolution itself often brings a couple closer together—this is a
scenario that, however unconsciously, the avoidant partner
wants to avoid. While people with an anxious or secure
attachment style seek to resolve a disagreement to achieve
greater emotional closeness, this outcome is uncomfortable for
the avoidant who actually seeks to remain distant. In order to
dodge the possibility of getting closer, avoidants tend to grow
more hostile and distant as arguments progress. Unless there
is recognition of the process involved in an anxious-avoidant
conflict, the distancing during conflict tends to repeat itself and
causes a lot of unhappiness. Without addressing the issue, the
situation can go from bad to worse. - With every clash, the anxious person loses more ground: During
bitter fights between anxious and avoidant partners, when there
are no secure checks and balances in place, people with
anxious attachment style tend to get overwhelmed by negative
emotions. When they feel hurt, they talk, think, and act in an
extreme manner, even to the point of threatening to leave
(protest behavior). However, once they calm down, they
become flooded with positive memories and are then
overcome with regret. They reach out to their partner in an
attempt to reconcile. But they are often met with a hostile
response, because avoidants react differently to a fight. They
turn off all attachment-related memories and remember the
worst of their partner.
What often happens at this point, if you are anxious, is that you not only
fail to resolve the original conflict but now find yourself in a worse
position than you were in the first place. Now you have to plead just to