9.
Escaping the Anxious-Avoidant Trap: How the
Anxious-Avoidant Couple Can Find Greater
Security
If you’ve discovered that most of your difficulties can actually be traced
back to conflicting intimacy needs, is there anything I you can do about
it?
Perhaps one of the most intriguing findings in adult attachment
research is that attachment styles are stable but plastic. This means
that they tend to stay consistent over time, but they can also change.
Up to now, we’ve described in detail what happens in anxious-
avoidant relationships when left to run their usual course. Here we want
to offer these couples a chance to work together to become more
secure.
Attachment research shows that people tend to become more
secure when they are in a relationship with someone secure. But there
is also hope for a couple’s future when neither partner is secure.
Studies have found that security “priming”—reminding people of
security-enhancing experiences they’ve had—can help them to create
a greater sense of security. When people can recall a past relationship
with a secure person or be inspired by a secure role model in their
lives, they are often successful at adopting secure ways. As a person’s
attachment style gradually changes toward greater security, he or she
behaves more constructively in relationships and even enjoys better
mental and physical health. And if both partners are able to do so—the
results can be remarkable.