MAKE BECOMING SECURE AN ONGOING

GROWTH PROCESS

Remember that attachment styles are stable and plastic—becoming
more secure is an ongoing process. Whenever a new concern,
dissatisfaction, or conflict occurs, enter the new information. This will
help in your quest to break your insecure patterns. But moving toward
security is not only about tackling problems in your relationship; it’s
also about having fun together. Find ways to enjoy your time together
as a couple—a walk in the park, a movie and dinner, watching a TV
show that you both like—and make time to be physically close.
Shedding your insecure working model will do wonders for your ability
to function in the world at large. Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) has demonstrated
through her clinical work and writings that creating true security in the
relationship and recognizing that you are emotionally dependent on
your partner on every level is the best way to improve your romantic
bond.
When you build a secure relationship, both individuals win: If you are
the anxious partner, you get the closeness you crave, and if you’re the
avoidant partner, you’ll enjoy much more of the independence you
need.

WHAT IF THE GOAL OF SECURITY IS NOT

REACHED?

What happens if despite your efforts to move your relationship away
from “the trap” and the vicious insecure cycle, you are unable to do so?
This can happen either because there is no genuine wish to change on
the part of one or both partners or your attempts fail. We believe that
when people are in an anxious-avoidant relationship, especially when