Attached

they are unable to move to greater security, these discrepancies will
always be a part of their lives and will never completely disappear. But
we also strongly believe that knowledge is power. And it can be very
valuable to know that your ongoing struggles as a couple are not
because either of you is crazy, but rather because your relationship
has a built-in clash that is not going to go away.
One of the most important benefits of this insight has to do with your
self-perception. Intimacy clashes are very destructive for the non-
avoidant partner, who is constantly being pushed away by the avoidant
partner. We can see this happening in the examples we cite
throughout the book, in behaviors such as maintaining a high degree
of secrecy and then blaming the other person of being jealous and
needy, in preferring separate beds, and in finding ways to spend less
time together. If you are with an avoidant partner, you are constantly
being rejected and rebuffed. After experiencing these distancing
strategies for a while, you start to blame yourself. You may believe that
if your partner was with someone else, s/he’d act differently; that with
another s/he’d surely want to be closer than with you. You begin to feel
unattractive and inadequate.
Understanding that your continual arguments actually have a hidden
subtext to them—that they genuinely are irresolvable—changes your
perception of your own role dramatically. Once you understand that
your partner will always find areas of contention as a way of
maintaining distance and that s/he will always need to withdraw, no
matter whom s/he is with—you will no longer blame yourself for the
relationship problems.
At least on the surface, the avoidant partner gets hurt less, because
withdrawal is a one-sided move that doesn’t necessitate cooperation
from your partner. However, although seemingly unperturbed, an
important lesson to be learned is that indifference does not connote
security. Avoidants need to actively suppress their attachment needs
but tend to report being less happy in relationships. Though they often
blame their unhappiness on their partner.
But how do people live with this understanding?
When we interviewed Alana, she told us about her relationship with
her ex-husband, Stan. She recounted how they were able to find some