- They engage with like-minded friends in activities that their mate
is unwilling to participate in. - They learn to be thankful for what their mate does do and to
overlook what he or she does not do.
We know countless people who, after having struggled with ongoing
intimacy conflicts, finally make a shift in their mind-set and find a
compromise that they are able to live with:
- Doug, 53, used to get furious at his wife on a daily basis when
she came home hours later than expected. He finally decided to
stop getting mad when she walked in and to greet her warmly
instead. He made a conscious decision to make home into a
place she would want to come home to instead of a battlefield. - Natalie, 38, always dreamed of sharing her leisure time with her
husband. After years of resentment and bitter fights over his
refusal to spend weekends together, she decided to change.
Today she makes plans for herself. If he wants to join (as rarely
happens), he’s welcome aboard. But if not, it’s “so long and see
you later.” - Janis, 43, is married to Larry. Larry, who was married before,
doesn’t take an active role in raising their joint children. Janis
has come to accept that when it comes to the kids (and several
other areas of their life together), she is quite literally on her
own. She no longer expects him to participate and no longer
gets angry when he refuses to do so.
All these individuals share chronic, ongoing intimacy collisions with
their partners. They have chosen to let go of the dream of being truly
intimate with their partners and have found a way to live with limited
togetherness. They compromise. But make no mistake: The
compromise is in no way mutual; it is in fact wholly one-sided. Instead
of engaging in endless conflict that results in nothing but frustration and
disappointment, they have decided to change their expectations and
reduce conflict to tolerable proportions.