stability in the relationship as long as Stan worked most of the time,
and on weekends they did various separate chores and spent very
little down time together. But things would become more difficult
whenever Alana would ask him to go on a romantic getaway in the
hope that it would bring them closer. On these occasions, Stan would
always find an excuse for not going. They used to have a ritual whereby
Alana would tell her friends and coworkers that she and Stan were
going away for the weekend; she would get excited, make plans, and
start to pack. A few days later she would call them sounding defeated
and worn out, to say that something came up at the last minute, and
they never went. Once it was his work, another time he wasn’t feeling
well, and yet another time the car needed repairs. They’d have a huge
fight and then things would calm down again—until the next time. For
Alana, getting her hopes up, only to be disappointed again and again,
was a painful experience.
Eventually Alana’s relationship with Stan ended. She never really
grasped that her fights with him were about something much more
fundamental than whether to go on vacation (or even about romance,
for that matter). Instead they were about a big barrier that he put up
between them. And even if at some deep level she did understand,
she wasn’t able to truly accept this reality or live with it.
Other people do find a way to live in relative peace with colliding
intimacy needs. How do they manage? They come to terms with the
fact that when it comes to certain aspects of the relationship, things
are not ever going to change. They understand that they can choose to
live a Sisyphean life of ongoing disappointment and frustration, one in
which they will continuously fight a losing battle. Or they can change
their expectations. They learn to accept certain limitations and adopt a
number of pragmatic life strategies:
- They admit to themselves that in certain areas, their mate is
never going to be an active partner, and they stop urging him or
her to change. - They stop taking personal offense when their mate pushes them
away and accept that this is simply his or her nature. - They learn to do things on their own that they previously
expected to do with their partner.