avoidant people can bring out the worst in each other. “Abnormal”
becomes the norm.
A common view is that only masochistic, “pathetic” people would
tolerate such bad treatment, and that if they are willing to put up with it
instead of leaving, well, maybe they deserve it! Others believe that
these people are reliving troubled childhood experiences in their adult
life. The story of Marsha and Craig contradicts these typical
assumptions. We met 31-year-old Marsha in the process of
conducting interviews for this book. She was very open and
forthcoming in recounting her story to us, and had no qualms about
revealing very intimate and often hurtful moments in her life. She told us
she wanted her story to be told in order to help other women who might
find themselves in similar situations. She wanted them to know it was
possible to get out of a destructive relationship and find happiness
elsewhere. Marsha came from a loving, caring family, and after her
relationship with Craig, she went on to meet an adoring man who
treated her very well. The only “fault” we could find with Marsha was
that she was anxious and Craig was avoidant. As we’ve discussed in
chapter 5, there seems to be a gravitational pull between anxious and
avoidant individuals, and once they become attached, it’s very hard for
them to let go. Marsha’s story demonstrates what transpires in an
extreme anxious-avoidant match and the mental struggle involved in
ending it.
Though disturbing, Marsha’s story ends on a hopeful note. We’ve
included it for three reasons: to illustrate the power of the attachment
process, to show that even emotionally healthy individuals can become
entangled in a destructive situation, and to let people in those
relationships know that they can find a better life for themselves if they
muster the strength to leave.

MARSHA’S STORY

I met Craig when I was in college. He was cute and sporty, and I
admired the way he looked. Plus, he was a tutor in physics, my major,