LIFE IN THE INNER CIRCLE

But sex was hardly the main concern for Marsha during the time she
was with Craig. It constituted just a fraction of the deactivating
strategies used by Craig, day in, day out, whether with friends or in the
privacy of their own home; his deactivation was relentless and never-
ending. In short, Craig treated Marsha as if she were the enemy, in
sharp contrast to the loving and caring persona he exhibited to the rest
of the world (“Craig was a great guy and he made a good impression.
People who knew him superficially thought he was really nice”). That
dichotomy confused Marsha. Of all the people in the world, she was
the one closest to him, and yet he treated her the worst. How could he
be so nice toward everyone else and so mean to her? It didn’t make
sense, and she thought that if she could make him see that he was
hurting her, then he could treat her as well as he treated everyone else.
Marsha wasn’t aware that Craig treated her so badly not in spite of
her being closest but because she was closest. She was now living
within Craig’s inner circle. When our partners join our inner circle, we
become close to them in a way that we can be only with our closest
relatives—our spouse and kids (and as children, with our parents and
siblings). Unfortunately, life in the inner circle for an anxious-avoidant
couple is not a bed of roses. Once Marsha crossed that line with
Craig, she got too close for comfort and became the enemy. The more
Marsha tried to get close, the more he tried to push her away. This is
often what life can be like in the inner circle if you have an anxious
attachment style and you are with someone avoidant.

SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE BECOME “THE

ENEMY”

• You are ashamed to let friends and family know how your
  partner really treats you.


• You are surprised when people tell you how sweet, nice,