Many people who live in an avoidant-anxious trap have a hard time
admitting to themselves and others that they are in a bad predicament.
They’ll admit that they’re not completely satisfied with their relationship,
then will qualify it by saying, “But who is? All couples fight, all couples
get upset. How are we different from them?” They talk themselves into
believing that their partner’s behavior is not so bad. Others, like
Marsha, are aware of their dire situation, but can’t take the necessary
steps to bail out. They might make an attempt, but get overwhelmed by
the pain associated with leaving. Then they experience the rebound
effect.

THE REBOUND EFFECT

Once you’re convinced that you’ve become the enemy, why is it still so
hard to walk away? First, because it is very painful. As painful as it is
to be mistreated by your partner, severing an attachment bond is even
more excruciating. You may understand rationally that you should
leave, but your emotional brain may not yet be ready to make that
move. The emotional circuits that make up our attachment system
evolved to discourage us from being alone. One way to nudge us back
to the safety of our lover’s arms is to create the sensation of
unmistakable pain when we find ourselves alone. Studies have found
that the same areas in the brain that light up in imaging scans when we
break a leg are activated when we split up with our mate. As part of a
reaction to a breakup, our brain experiences the departure of an
attachment figure in a similar way to that in which it registers physical
pain.
But it’s not just a feeling of pain that takes over. Other thought
processes are also hijacked in the process. Once your attachment
system becomes activated, another interesting phenomenon is
triggered: You will get overwhelmed by positive memories of the few
good times you had together and forget the multitude of bad
experiences. You’ll recall how sweet he or she was to you the other day
when you were distressed and conveniently forget that he or she was