USING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TO

CHOOSE THE RIGHT PARTNER

After a few dates with Ethan, Lauren found herself very confused. On
their first date, they had gone to a romantic beach bar and spent
several hours getting to know each other. At the end of the evening, he
said a quick good-bye and disappeared. To her surprise he called
again to ask her out, this time to a performance at a waterfront club.
They both had a couple of drinks and spent hours dancing together.
They even took a stroll along the beach, but again nothing happened,
just an abrupt “we’ll talk” when they parted. This pattern repeated itself
one more time on their next date. Lauren, who has an anxious
attachment style, thought that perhaps Ethan simply wasn’t attracted to
her. But then why was he still asking her out? Maybe he just wanted the
companionship? She didn’t want to stop seeing him without a bona
fide reason, because she really liked him. A close friend encouraged
her to stop speculating about the reasons for his behavior and simply
ask.
Normally, Lauren wouldn’t have had the courage—she would have
been far too afraid of the hurtful response she might get. But she’d
reached a point where she was no longer willing to waste precious
time on the wrong person. So she did raise the subject with Ethan,
tentatively at first, but she found herself speaking very directly as the
conversation progressed: “I’m looking for more than something
platonic. What is it that you have in mind?” Contrary to her assumption,
she learned that he didn’t find her unattractive. He said he really liked
her and expressed his desire for finding a partner. But when she went
a step further and asked specifically about his “no-touch” policy, he
didn’t have an answer and kept beating around the bush. Although she
didn’t come out of the conversation with a specific answer as to why he
wasn’t interested in physical contact, she did get a clear picture about
their future together—there was none!
Lauren gave up thinking of him as a potential partner, but they
remained friends. After Ethan confided in her about several other
women he was dating who were obviously also becoming frustrated by