Attached

his puzzling behavior, she finally put two and two together. The mystery
around Ethan’s conduct was not so mysterious after all—it became
clear that he was having serious doubts about his sexual orientation.
Lauren thanked God she’d had the guts to express her concerns early
on, saving herself months of false hopes and certain rejection.
Lauren’s story is an excellent example of the importance of effective
communication. Expressing your needs and expectations to your
partner in a direct, nonaccusatory manner is an incredibly powerful
tool. Though it’s used naturally by people with a secure attachment
style, it is often counterintuitive for people whose attachment style is
anxious or avoidant.
One straightforward conversation with Ethan put an end to all the
guesswork and “theories” Lauren had built up in her mind. For Ethan it
would have been convenient if Lauren had been willing to simply put up
with his behavior indefinitely. He was getting what he wanted—a
girlfriend to show off to friends and family (to get them off his back) and
time to sort out his sexual orientation. But by expressing her needs,
Lauren was able to look out for herself and avoid getting strung along
by someone else’s agenda. In this case, attachment style was not the
underlying issue, but Lauren had no way of knowing this in advance. If
Ethan’s behavior was simply a manifestation of his attachment style,
effective communication would have uncovered that as well, and they
would have both benefited from discovering early on that their
attachment styles were incompatible.
But what would have happened if Lauren had confronted him in this
forthright way, causing him great embarrassment, only to discover that
his behavior was the result of neither his attachment style nor his
sexual orientation but of simple shyness? Well, we know someone who
had just such an experience.
Tina’s situation was very similar to Lauren’s. On her third date with
Serge, Tina was sitting on the sofa next to him watching a movie and
wondering why he wasn’t making a move. She’d also had her share of
dead-end relationships and wasn’t willing to waste too much time
wondering what Serge’s particular issue might be. So, affecting a
coquettish smile, she simply said, “Can I have a kiss?” Though Serge
was taken aback for a second and mumbled something under his