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negatively, but you’re never sure if he or she is responding to your
need or to your protest behavior.
Say, for example, that you call your partner’s cell phone incessantly
because you fear he’s cheating. He decides that he’s had enough and
breaks up with you. You’re left second-guessing, wondering if you
actually pushed him away by acting so clingy or if he decided that you
really just weren’t right for him. You don’t get an answer to your original
concern, which is whether he cares enough to listen to your worries,
reassure you, and do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and
loved.
Therefore, despite your understandable fear of getting hurt, we
advise you to avoid protest behavior by taking a leap of faith and
adopting effective communication. We can honestly say that everyone
we’ve known who has used effective communication has been grateful
for it in the long run. Often, effective communication brings about huge
relief by showing you just how strongly your partner feels about you—
and by strengthening the bond between you two. And even though in
some instances the response may not be what you hoped for and you’ll
be convinced that you’ve ruined everything—if only you had said or
done something else, he would surely have come around—we’ve
never heard anyone say in retrospect that they regretted raising an
important issue in a dating or relationship setting. In fact, they
overwhelmingly express gratitude that effective communication got
them that one step closer to their long-term goal of either finding the
right person or strengthening their existing bond.
Take Hillary, for example. She was planning a romantic walk with
Steve across the Brooklyn Bridge on a sunny Saturday morning, but
when she called him he told her that he’d started doing his laundry and
would call her later. Seeing that Hillary was upset, her friend convinced
her to call him back and urge him to finish his laundry after the walk—it
was such a beautiful spring day, after all. Reluctantly, Hillary made the
call. Not only did Steve restate his decision to finish up the laundry, he
decided he didn’t want to get together at all that day! Hillary was
devastated. She was furious with her friend for talking her into calling
him. She felt that by showing too much interest, she’d ruined her
chances with Steve. Months later, a mutual friend told her that Steve