was deeply depressed following his bitter divorce and was far from
being interested—or able—to start a new relationship. Hillary realized
that pushing the issue that morning had saved her from the grief that
Steve’s emotional unavailability would have undoubtedly caused her.
At the time, Hillary was very upset with her friend and blamed her for
ruining her chances with Steve, but she later realized that her friend
had taught her one of the most valuable lessons in relationships: how
to effectively communicate her needs. This was the first time that
Hillary felt certain that she fully and genuinely showed up in a
relationship—no games played. Though things didn’t work out with
Steve, she knew that she did her best to make it happen. She also
began to discover that more often than not, the reasons why people
behave unkindly toward her have nothing to do with her attractiveness
or desirability.
Here’s another example of how just stating what you want, without
any apologies, can be powerfully effective:
For years, Jena, afraid of sounding desperate, wasn’t up front with
the guys she dated about her great desire to get married and have
children. When she turned 40 and her biological clock took
precedence over everything else, she decided to tell potential partners
on date number one that she not only wanted to be a mother, but was
only interested in dating men who also wanted to have kids as soon as
possible. Though she suspected—and rightly so—that most guys who
heard this would run in the other direction, fear of rejection was no
longer Jena’s main concern. She did drive a few prospects away but
ended up meeting Nate, who, far from being threatened, wanted the
same thing. He found it refreshing that she knew what she wanted and
wasn’t afraid to say it. Using effective communication worked out well
for her. Today she and Nate are the happy parents of two.
Like Jena and Hillary, you too can learn how to use effective
communication, even though it can be a scary prospect if you have an
anxious attachment style.

IF YOU ARE AVOIDANT...