But what if Greg used effective communication? He has an anxious
attachment style, and the kind of dialogue required by effective
communication does not come naturally to him. He is more
accustomed to turning to protest behavior. He decides, however, to
take a different approach. He turns to Monique: “I’d like to spend the
Fourth of July together. Would you like to come with me and my friends
or would you prefer that I join you?” Monique responds that she hadn’t
thought of inviting him because spending an evening with her old
crowd from high school didn’t sound like the kind of thing he’d enjoy,
but if he was game, why not? A simple question got Greg the answer
that he wanted. Even more significantly, after that first successful
precedent, they both find it easier to talk openly to each other.
What if Monique responded differently and Greg’s request had been
rebuffed? As always with effective communication, you win either way.
Even if Monique had ignored his request and quickly changed the
subject, he would have learned something very telling. A red flag
based on reality—and not on Greg’s anxious assumptions—would
have been raised about Monique’s ability to respond to his needs and
sensitivities. We’re not suggesting that Greg should leave Monique
immediately if she reacted in this way, but it would expose a smoking
gun. Two or three such evading tactics would probably inspire Greg to
look for love elsewhere.

WHEN SHOULD I USE EFFECTIVE

COMMUNICATION?

When asked when to use effective communication, our automatic
response is “always!” But then we often hear, “Do I have to bring up
every single relationship issue right away? I’m anxious—that would
mean expressing every worry and doubt that crosses my mind—and
God knows there are plenty of them.” Usually, if you address things that
are bothering you from the get-go and receive a positive response,
your whole demeanor will change. Worries and fears surface more
when you are not communicating your concerns and are letting things