to stay home with him if he had wanted her to. The atmosphere
became tense and neither said a word for some time. After reading
something to calm down, Larry realized what his behavior was really all
about: He was edgy because of the e-mail from work and wanted the
security of having Sheila close by, but wasn’t comfortable asking her to
change her plans. He’d instinctively launched into protest behavior,
picking a fight just to engage her. He apologized to Sheila for not
expressing his needs effectively and explained the situation. Once the
true message got through, she calmed down as well. She gave him the
support that he needed and he insisted that she go to the gym.
Although Larry initially resorted to protest behavior, he discovered
that, with a receptive partner, effective communication, even when
employed late in the game, can diffuse a stressful situation.

THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF EFFECTIVE

COMMUNICATION

Like the concept of effective communication, the principles are also
very straightforward:

1. Wear your heart on your sleeve. Effective communication
   requires being genuine and completely honest about your
   feelings. Be emotionally brave!


2. Focus on your needs. The idea is to get your needs across.
   When expressing your needs, we are always referring to needs
   that take your partner’s well-being into consideration as well. If
   they end up hurting him or her, you’re sure to get hurt too; after
   all, you and your partner are an emotional unit. When
   expressing your needs, it’s helpful to use verbs such as need,
   feel, and want, which focus on what you are trying to accomplish
   and not on your partner’s shortcomings:
   
   
   • “I need to feel confident in the relationship. When you
     chat up the waitress, I feel like I’m on thin ice.”
   
   
   • “I feel devalued when you contradict me in front of