your friends. I need to feel that you respect my
opinions.”
- “I want to know I can trust you. When you go to bars
with your friends, I worry a lot that you’ll cheat on me.”
- Be specific. If you speak in general terms, your partner may
not understand exactly what you really need, which may lower
his or her chances of getting it right. State precisely what is
bothering you:
- When you don’t stay the night...
- When you don’t check up on me every day...
- When you said you loved me and then took it back..
.
- Don’t blame. Never make your partner feel selfish,
incompetent, or inadequate. Effective communication is not
about highlighting the other person’s shortcomings, and making
accusations will quickly lead you away from the point and into a
dueling match. Make sure to find a time when you’re calm to
discuss things. You’ll find that attempting to use effective
communication when you’re on the verge of exploding is a
contradiction in terms—you’ll most likely sound angry or
judgmental.
- Be assertive and nonapologetic. Your relationship needs
are valid—period. Though people with different attachment
styles may not see your concerns as legitimate, they’re
essential for your happiness, and expressing them authentically
is crucial to effective communication. This point is especially
important if you have an anxious attachment style, because our
culture encourages you to believe that many of your needs are
illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone
else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness,
and that is what’s important.
A New Miranda’s Law of Dating: Effective
Communication Right from the Start
