Getting StartedWhen you are not use to effective communication, it can be
extremely helpful to formulate a script of the message you want to
convey. It’s best not to attempt this when you are upset, and it’s also
important to ignore the advice of friends who suggest indirect methods
of trying to get your needs met, such as making your partner jealous. If
possible, ask your attachment-designated person—ADP (see chapter
9)—or friend who has a secure attachment style or who is familiar with
the principles of effective communication to help you compose the
right words. When you are sure of the content, recite it to yourself until
you feel comfortable with the way it sounds. Having everything written
down can help you get over fears about getting cold feet or forgetting
your “lines,” and make it easier for you to address your partner with
confidence. Once you get the hang of it and experience the positive
effect it has on your life, using effective communication will become
second nature.
Exercise: Answer the Following Questions to Determine the
Topic of Your ScriptWhy do I feel uneasy or insecure (activated or deactivated) in this
relationship? What specific actions by my partner make me feel this
way? (The relationship inventory in chapter 9 can help you with the
process.)
What specific action/s by my partner would make me feel more secure
and loved?
Which of the above actions do I feel most comfortable bringing up and
discussing?