12.
Working Things Out: Five Secure Principles for
Dealing with Conflict
CAN FIGHTING MAKE US HAPPIER?
A major misconception about conflict in romantic relationships is that
people in good relationships should fight very little. There’s an
expectation that, if well matched, you and your partner will see eye to
eye on most matters and argue rarely, if at all. Sometimes arguments
are even considered to be “proof ” that two people are incompatible or
that a relationship is derailing. Attachment theory shows us that these
assumptions are unsubstantiated; all couples—even secure ones—
have their fair share of fights. What does differentiate between couples
and affect their satisfaction levels in their relationships is not how much
they disagree, but how they disagree and what they disagree about.
Attachment researchers have learned that conflicts can serve as an
opportunity for couples to get closer and deepen their bond.
There are two main kinds of conflict—the bread-and-butter type and
the intimacy-centered type. In chapter 8, we witnessed what happens
when people with diametrically opposed intimacy needs get together
and, despite their best intentions, struggle to find common ground. We
saw how these conflicting needs can spill over into every area of life
and often result in one party making all the concessions. Bread-and-
butter conflicts are typically devoid of intimacy struggles.