As the name suggests, bread-and-butter conflicts are those disputes
that inevitably arise when separate wills and personalities share daily
life—which channel to watch, what temperature to set the air
conditioning on, whether to order Chinese or Indian. Such
disagreements are actually good because they force you to live in
relation to someone else and learn to compromise. One of the cruelest
punishments a human being can endure is solitary confinement; we’re
social creatures and live best in relation to others. Although at times
being flexible in our thinking and actions means stepping outside of
our comfort zone, it keeps our minds young and active, even allowing
brain cells to regenerate.
But what looks good on paper—taking another’s needs and
preferences into account, even when they oppose our own—isn’t
always easy to carry out. Interestingly, people with a secure attachment
style instinctively know how to do this. They’re able to lower the heat
during an argument and take the edge off an escalating conflict. If
you’ve ever found yourself caught off guard during a disagreement by
the other person’s genuine interest in your concerns and willingness to
consider them, you were probably disagreeing with someone secure.
But is a natural inclination helpful for those of us who haven’t been
bestowed with these skills?
Actually, when we take a closer look, we can see that there’s a
method behind the secures’ instinctive behavior. It’s less about their
magical powers than about their helpful practices. Not only have we
identified five specific actions that people with a secure attachment
style use to diffuse and resolve conflict, but we believe that they can be
learned. Adult attachment theory has proven time and again that when
it comes to attachment style, we’re malleable. And it’s never too late to
learn new relationship skills.

THE SECURE PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING

CONFLICT WORK