those goals, and tended to downgrade their goals during the course of
the discussion.
Back to Karen and Tim, our reality-TV-show couple: In many ways,
their experience is a close adult equivalent to the strange situation test
for children. Just as Karen needed Tim’s hand for encouragement and
Tim gathered strength from Karen’s reassurance, Kimmy wanted her
mother’s presence. Karen engaged in protest behavior (not agreeing
to continue until he held her hand), just as Kimmy had done when she
called out for her absent mother. Both needed the reassurance of their
attachment figures before they could focus on other tasks. Only once
their secure base was restored could they go back to other activities.

FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON TO DEPEND ON

The question is, what happens when the person we rely on most—and
in fact depend on emotionally and physically—doesn’t fulfill his or her
attachment role? After all, our brain assigns our partner the task of
being our secure base, the person we use as an emotional anchor and
a safe haven, the one we turn to in time of need. We are programmed
to seek their emotional availability. But what if they aren’t consistently
available? In the Coan MRI experiment, we saw that physical contact
with a spouse can help reduce anxiety in a stressful situation, and we
also learned that those who reported the highest satisfaction levels in
their relationship benefited most from spousal support.
Other experiments have produced even more far-reaching results.
Brian Baker, a psychiatrist and researcher at the University of Toronto,
studies psychiatric aspects of heart disease and hypertension and, in
particular, the way in which marital discord and job strain affect blood
pressure. In one of his studies, Dr. Baker found that if you have a mild
form of high blood pressure, being in a satisfying marriage is good for
you; spending time in the presence of your partner actually benefits you
by lowering your blood pressure to healthier levels. If, on the other
hand, you are not satisfied with your marriage, contact with your
partner will actually raise your blood pressure, which will remain