4.

Step Two: Cracking the Code—What Is My

Partner’s Style?

Figuring out other people’s attachment styles is usually trickier than
identifying your own. For one, you know yourself best—not just how you
behave but also what you feel and think when you are in a relationship.
Second, you can take your own quiz to help with the process. When
you start dating someone new, however, you aren’t likely to whip out
our quiz and start grilling your date about his or her past relationships.
Luckily, without even knowing it, most people give away almost all the
information you need to determine their attachment style in their
natural, day-to-day actions and words.
The trick is to know what to look for, be a keen observer and ardent
listener. In attachment studies, researchers bring people to the lab and
ask them about their romantic relationships. The attitudes that people
display toward intimacy and closeness and the degree to which they
are preoccupied with their relationships determine their attachment
style. But from our experience, this information is also readily available
outside the lab, if you know what to look for.
Understanding attachment will change the way you perceive new
people you meet, but it will also give you surprising insight into your
partner if you are already in a relationship.
In dating situations, your thinking will shift from “Does he or she like
me?” to “Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she
capable of giving me what I need?” Going forward with a relationship
will become about choices you have to make. You’ll start asking
yourself questions like: “How much is this person capable of intimacy?
Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being
close?” Using this chapter as a guide, with time and practice you will
develop and fine-tune your ability to determine someone’s attachment