example of communicating relationship issues clearly and effectively.
She encounters a problem, wants to solve it, and feels confident
enough to do so. Were Bella anxious she might blame herself for
Mark’s deficiencies in bed; she might conclude that he’s simply not
attracted to her and therefore not making that extra effort to please her.
Alternatively, she might grin and bear the situation so as not to harm
the relationship. If Bella were avoidant, she wouldn’t blame herself, but
she might use Mark’s incompetence to belittle him, a distancing
strategy, and probably wouldn’t coach him in the matter-of-fact way that
she did. It is also apparent that Bella has flexible views of couplehood.
Although Mark did not meet her definition of the “ideal man,” she made
the mental transition without much hesitation and, more important, is
very satisfied with her decision in retrospect. Here too, if she were
avoidant, she might make the same compromise, but most likely she
would feel cheated for having to make it. Lastly, Bella expresses her
feelings for Mark openly and naturally.
- Janet, single, 23.
I’ve finally met a great guy, a really great guy. Tim and I have been
out together twice and I already feel myself falling in love. It’s so hard to
find someone I’m compatible with—I’m only attracted to a certain type
of man, and then what are the chances he’ll also find me attractive?
The odds are against me on this one. So now that I’ve met Tim, I want
to make sure I do everything right. I can’t afford to make any mistakes.
One wrong move and I could jeopardize the entire relationship. I’m
waiting for him to set the pace because I don’t want to seem too
eager. Perhaps a text message would be okay? That might seem laid
back and spontaneous, don’t you think? Or maybe I’ll forward him
some funny e-mail as part of a distribution list?
Attachment Style: __
Answer: Anxious. Janet is typically anxious. She seeks closeness,
feels incomplete on her own, and is very preoccupied with the
relationship. Granted, on the first few dates people of all attachment
styles get excited about the other person and think about them a lot.