However, with Janet it goes a step further—she views relationships as
rare and fragile and believes that any small, inappropriate act on her
part has the capacity to ruin them. Therefore, she turns over in her
head every move she makes, countless times, so as not to make a
“mistake.” She also chooses to let Tim set the tone and pace of the
relationship. Last, because she’s insecure, she plays games by
considering ways of indirectly getting in touch with Tim without putting
herself on the line, such as making up a distribution list as an excuse to
send him an e-mail.
- Paul, single, 37.
I just ended my relationship with Amanda. I’m very disappointed, but
I know I could never have spent my life with her. We dated for a couple
of months and at first I was sure I’d found the woman of my dreams.
But different things about her started to bother me. For one thing, I’m
convinced she’s had cosmetic surgery and that’s a real turn-off. Also,
she’s not that sure of herself, which I find unappealing. And once I stop
having feelings toward someone, I can’t stay a minute longer. I’ll just
have to keep searching. I know that the right woman is somewhere out
there waiting for me, and no matter how long it takes, we will meet and
be together. It’s a visceral feeling; I can see her smile and feel her
embrace. I know that when we meet I will immediately feel a sense of
calm and quietness. No matter how many times I fail, I promise myself
that I will continue to look.
Attachment Style: __
Answer: Avoidant. This one might be confusing. Paul is yearning
for the woman of his dreams, so he must be secure or anxious, right?
Wrong. His description of an ideal “true love” should raise a red flag.
Also, people with different attachment styles tend to explain why they
are still alone in a different manner: People who are anxious often feel
that there is something wrong with them; secures will have a more
realistic view of things, and avoidants often sound like Paul—they
attribute their single status to external circumstances, such as not
having met the right girl. This is a good opportunity to look beyond