Activating Strategies

Thoughts and Feelings That Compel You to Seek

Closeness with Your Partner

• Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other
  things.


• Remembering only their good qualities.


• Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents
  and abilities and overestimating theirs.


• An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in
  contact with them.


• Believing this is your only chance for love, as in:
  
  
  • “I’m only compatible with very few people—what
    are the chances I’ll find another person like
    him/her?”
  
  
  • “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up
    alone.”
  
  
  
  


• Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better
  not let go, as in:
  
  
  • “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner
    —for someone else.”
  
  
  • “He can change.”
  
  
  • “All couples have problems—we’re not special
    in that regard.”
  
  
  
  

In Emily’s case, her attachment system was right on target. During the
course of their relationship, she learned that David was watching
Internet porn for hours while she was at work and he was supposedly
out auditioning. She also found out that he was flirting online with other
girls (including her made-up persona) in various chat rooms. But she
still had a hard time breaking up with him. She was bombarded by
activating strategies similar to those we’ve outlined above, thinking