that he would change, that everyone has problems, and so on. It took
over a year before she could muster the courage to sever the tie.
During that time and for quite a while after the break, Emily spent her
analysis talking mostly about him. Years later, after she married a
great guy and went back to being her resilient self, she looks back at
the whole experience with bewilderment. She can’t believe she wasted
her time in therapy examining the deep-seated roots of her “fanatical”
behaviors surrounding that relationship. If only she had met a good guy
sooner—one who didn’t continuously activate her attachment system—
she would have spared herself from the unnecessary scrutiny of her
“masochistic borderline personality traits.”

THE WORKING OF THE ATTACHMENT SYSTEM

For someone who gets attached very quickly and has a very sensitive
attachment system, learning how the system functions is invaluable.
Many people with anxious attachment style, like Emily, live with a
chronically activated attachment system without realizing it. On the
following page we illustrate how the attachment system works.
THE ATTACHMENT SYSTEM: FINDING YOUR WAY TO THE
COMFORT ZONE