each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while
hoping s/he will stop you from leaving.
Manipulations:- Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls,
saying you have plans when you don’t.
Making him/her feel jealous: - Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going
out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner
about someone who hit on you today.
Protest behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your
partner and get their attention. There are many ways that protest
behavior can manifest itself, anything that can jolt the other person into
noticing you and responding to you.
Protest behavior and activating strategies can cause you to act in
ways that are harmful to the relationship. It is very important to learn to
recognize them when they happen. (In chapter 8, you’ll find the
relationship inventory, which is designed to help you identify your
protest behaviors and find more constructive ways of handling difficult
situations.) These behaviors and strategies can also continue long
after your partner is gone. This is part of what heartache is all about—
the longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our
biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them
back. Even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t be with this
person, your attachment system doesn’t always comply. The process
of attachment follows its own course and its own schedule. This means
you will continue to think about the other person and will be unable to
push them out of your mind for a very long time.
It turns out that people with anxious attachment styles are particularly
susceptible to falling into a chronically activated attachment system
situation. A study conducted by Omri Gillath, Silvia Bunge, and Carter
Wendelken, together with two prominent attachment researchers,
Phillip Shaver and Mario Mikulincer, found fascinating evidence for
this. Using fMRI technology, they asked twenty women to think about—
and then stop thinking about—various relationship scenarios.