Attached

discontented; finally she left him. He was very sad for a long while but
was ready to start dating again. Trevor was very good-looking, had a
great sense of humor, and was a superb athlete. He was strong-willed
and stable and came from a well-to-do, educated family. All the traits
you would want in a partner, right?
Not quite. Chloe met him once and was utterly uninterested. She
conceded that he was very handsome and even attractive, but “the
spark was missing.” At the time, Rachel was dumbfounded. She didn’t
understand why she was turning him down.
In hindsight, we do understand: If you are anxious, the reverse of
what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you
meet someone secure. The messages that come across from
someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent.
Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love.
They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get.
Ambiguous messages are out of the mix, as are tension and
suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm.
Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system
with love, you conclude that this can’t be “the one” because no bells
are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom
and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect
partner pass you by.
Chloe had to go through terrible hardship because she assumed an
activated attachment system was a prerequisite for love. Tony, who
eventually became her husband, seemed confident and intriguing at
first, but he never missed a chance to put her down.
Luckily, both Trevor’s and Chloe’s stories have happy endings.
Trevor did not stay available for long. He quickly found a great partner
and they have been together ever since. They traveled around the
world, got married, and had a couple of kids. He is a wonderful father
and husband. Chloe had a harder time, but after several years of
agony with Tony, she got her act together and learned to appreciate
the stability and love of a secure partner. She divorced Tony and later
met Bruce, who is as loving and caring as Trevor.
Anyone can have a happy ending like that. It’s not entirely up to
chance. The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and