Using Body Language in Your Personal Life 269
these undefined entitlements have been violated. When this hap-
pens, because the committed relationship is likely the most emo-
tional of our lives, the starting point of the interchange takes on an
explosive quality. Remember: One of the thickest filters to see
through is emotion. If you can back away from the emotional com-
ponent and use the techniques I have taught you here, you can rise
up to a level of success that will surprise you.
Given that every relationship is a microculture, you have devel-
oped rituals and subtleties of body language with your partner that
are so obscure, no one else may notice. Your mate projects squarely
what that raised eyebrow means when aimed at you. In some cases,
perhaps the thought is very different from what it meant in the last
fight, though—maybe the eyebrow is raised and there is a distracted
half-smile. The review skills you’ve been honing will help you
see that.
We all have trigger points that arise from years of baggage
with a person who is very close to us. To take your new brush and
paint over old wallpaper would be absurd and not productive. Use
the tools first to understand. If you employ your skills in a ground-up
way, you might actually notice something good rather than bad.
Turn 180 degrees. You want to use the tools to understand
because you suspect something is amiss. Start with baselining.
Where do his eyes go when he discusses what he wants to do
on vacation this year? If they go to the same place when you ask
him where he was at 2 p.m. yesterday, you likely have cause for
concern. Why? The first answer should be creative and the second
one memory, with the eyes signaling access on difference sides of
the brain.