gestures, even the rate at which they blink and breathe, will be
similar if not the same as the person to whom they are relating at
that moment. In fact, this is the most appropriate and acceptable
behavior for someone if they disagree with the content of what is
being said. They can communicate at a nonverbal level that
although they do not agree, they do support the person. You may
have noticed how some people with critical feedback to give will
simultaneously touch the other person on the arm or on the
shoulder. In effect, what this is saying is that I am still connected
to you even though I am giving critical feedback.
Notice what happens when someone whose preferred style is
to match in this way is faced with someone who mismatches. As
the other person changes to be different the matcher will look
confused, and will often be shocked into silence. Mismatching
behavior is alien to them. Alternatively, they will skillfully follow
the other person, not allowing them to be out of synchronization.
Similarly, someone who searches for difference, preferring
to mismatch, will show that in the way they behave. They will
use body language that is contrary to the person they are with.
If their partner in conversation is leaning forward in an
associated manner, the mismatcher will lean back, dissociated.
It is a pattern for them to be different and they will show it in
the way they dress, behave, and speak.
You can easily notice someone who prefers to mismatch—they
stand out from a group as the one whose behavior is different to
the rest. Mismatching externally with others often stems from
conflict going on inside the person and they may indicate this
conflict by talking about or experiencing parts of themselves at
odds with each other. They show this by spatially indicating the
parts as being in separate hands, hence the expression “on the
one hand... on the other hand...” Trying to match someone
whose preference is to mismatch can feel somewhat like nailing
jelly to the ceiling! This kind of behavior is characteristic of
someone who may have difficulty in relationships, who may not
be easy to converse with, and who seems to put obstacles in the
path of any connectedness to anyone else.
Consider your office or your home for a moment. Do you know
where everything is? Do key items have their place in your
environment? If you have an office and use a computer you
THINKING WITH YOUR BODY 73Nailing jelly to the ceiling