The Choice

know him. In just a few minutes, Dr. Ellis guided her to the core belief
underlying her dating encounters—the irrational belief that, without
realizing it, she kept repeating to herself, over and over, until she
became convinced of its truth: I’m never going to be happy. Aer a
lousy date she wasn’t only telling herself, Oops, I did it again, I was stiff
and uninviting, she was also reverting to her core belief that she could
never achieve happiness so there was no point trying. It was the fear
produced by this core belief that made her so reluctant to risk showing
her genuine self, which in turn made it more likely that her self-
defeating belief might come true.
It was profound to see her self-image shi visibly right there on the
stage. She seemed to slip out of the negative belief like she was
shrugging off an old bathrobe. Suddenly her eyes were brighter, she
sat taller, her chest and shoulders were more open and expansive, as if
she were creating a greater surface area for happiness to land. Dr. Ellis
cautioned her that she was unlikely to have an amazing date right out
of the gate. He also said that accepting the discomfort of disappointing
dates was part of the work of ridding herself of the negative belief.
e truth is, we will have unpleasant experiences in our lives, we
will make mistakes, we won’t always get what we want. is is part of
being human. e problem—and the foundation of our persistent
suffering—is the belief that discomfort, mistakes, disappointment
signal something about our worth. e belief that the unpleasant
things in our lives are all we deserve. Although my way of building
rapport is different from Dr. Ellis’s, his skill at guiding patients to
reframe and reform their damaging thoughts has inĘuenced my
practice profoundly.
Carl Rogers, one of my most inĘuential mentors, was a master of
helping patients to fully accept themselves. Rogers theorized that when
our need to self-actualize comes into conflict with our need for positive
regard, or vice versa, we might choose to repress or hide or neglect our