The Choice

genuine personalities and desires. When we come to believe that there
is no way to be loved and to be genuine, we are at risk of denying our
true nature.
Self-acceptance was the hardest part of healing for me, something I
still struggle with. Perfectionism emerged in my childhood as a
behavior to satisfy my need for approval, and it became an even more
embedded coping mechanism for dealing with my survivor’s guilt.
Perfectionism is the belief that something is broken—you. So you dress
up your brokenness with degrees, achievements, accolades, pieces of
paper, none of which can ĕx what you think you are ĕxing. In trying
to combat my low self-esteem, I was actually reinforcing my sense of
unworthiness. In learning to offer my patients total love and
acceptance, I fortunately learned the importance of offering the same
to myself.
Rogers was brilliant at being able to validate patients’ feelings, to
help them reframe their self-concept without denying their truth. He
offered unconditional positive regard, and in the safety of that total
acceptance, his patients were able to shed their masks and inhibitions
and inhabit their own lives more authentically. From Dr. Rogers I
learned two of my most important phrases in any therapeutic
encounter: I hear you say ... and Tell me more. I also learned how to
read my patients’ body language and how to use my own body to
communicate my unconditional love and acceptance. I don’t cross my
arms or my legs—I open myself. I make eye contact, I lean forward, I
create a bridge between myself and my patients, so that they know I
am with them 100 percent. I mirror my patients’ states (if they want to
sit quietly, I sit quietly too; if they want to rage and scream, I scream
with them; I adapt my language to my patients’ language) as a sign of
total acceptance. And I model a way of being (breathing, opening,
moving, listening) that can promote growth and healing.
Studying Seligman and Ellis, and working with Rogers, among