others, helped me to become a good listener and synthesizer, and
helped me to derive my eclectic and intuitive insight- and cognitive-
oriented therapeutic approach. If I had to name my therapy I’d
probably call it Choice erapy, as freedom is about CHOICE—about
choosing compassion, hu mor, optimism, intuition, curiosity, and
self-expression. And to be free is to live in the present. If we are stuck
in the past, saying, “If only I had gone there instead of here . . .” or “If
only I had married someone else . . . ,” we are living in a prison of our
own making. Likewise if we spend our time in the future, saying, “I
won’t be happy until I graduate . . .” or “I won’t be happy until I ĕnd
the right person.” e only place where we can exercise our freedom
of choice is in the present.
ese are the tools my patients use to liberate themselves from role
expectations, to be kind and loving parents to themselves, to stop
passing on imprisoning beliefs and behaviors, to discover that love
comes out as the answer in the end. I guide patients to understand
both what causes and what maintains their self-defeating behaviors.
e self-defeating behaviors ĕrst emerged as useful behaviors, things
they did to satisfy a need, usually a need for one of the As: approval,
affection, attention. Once patients can see why they developed a
certain behavior (belittling others, attaching oneself to angry people,
eating too little, eating too much, etc.), they can take responsibility for
whether or not they maintain the behavior. ey can choose what to
give up (the need for approval, the need to go shopping, the need to
be perfect, etc.)—because even freedom doesn’t come for free! And
they can learn to take better care of themselves and to discover self-
acceptance: Only I can do what I can do the way I can do it.
* * *For me, learning that only I can do what I can do the way I can do it
meant overthrowing the compulsive achiever in me, who was always