The Choice

(Rick Simeone) #1

he started working hard on his sobriety. is was precisely what his
wife had been praying would happen. ey both expected his sobriety
to be the solution to all their problems. But as his recovery progressed,
their marriage got worse. When the wife visited the rehab facility,
angry and bitter feelings would surface. She couldn’t stop herself from
rehashing the past. Remember five years ago when you came home and
threw up all over my favorite rug? And that other time you ruined our
anniversary party? She couldn’t keep from reciting a litany of all the
mistakes he’d made, all the ways he’d hurt and disappointed her. e
better her husband got, the worse she became. He felt stronger, less
toxic, less ashamed, more in touch with himself, more tuned in to his
life and relationships. And she grew more and more enraged. He let
go of the drinking, but she couldn’t let go of the criticism and blame.
I call this the seesaw. One person’s up, and one person’s down. Lots
of marriages and relationships are built this way. Two people agree to
an unspoken contract: One of them will be good and one of them will
be bad. e whole system relies on one person’s inadequacy. e
“bad” partner gets a free pass to test all the limits; the “good” partner
gets to say, Look how selfless I am! Look how patient I am! Look at
everything I put up with!
But what happens if the “bad” one in the relationship gets sick of
that role? What if he shows up to audition for the other part? Then the
“good” one’s place in the relationship is no longer secure. She’s got to
remind him how bad he is so she can keep her position. Or she might
become bad—hostile, explosive—so that they can still balance the
seesaw even if they switch positions. Either way, blame is the pivot that
keeps the two seats joined.
In a lot of cases, someone else’s actions really do contribute to our
discomfort and unhappiness. I’m not suggesting that we should be
okay with behavior that is hurtful or destructive. But we remain
victims as long as we hold another person responsible for our own

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