The Choice

well-being. If Ling says, “I can only be happy and at peace if Jun stops
drinking,” she leaves herself vulnerable to a life of sorrow and unrest.
Her happiness will always be a bottle or a swig away from disaster.
Likewise, if Jun says, “e only reason I drink is because Ling is so
nagging and critical,” he gives up all of his freedom of choice. He isn’t
his own agent. He is Ling’s puppet. He might get the temporary relief
of a buzz as a protection against her unkindness, but he won’t be free.
So oen when we are unhappy it is because we are taking too much
responsibility or we are taking too little. Instead of being assertive and
choosing clearly for ourselves, we might become aggressive (choosing
for others), or passive (letting others choose for us), or passive-
aggressive (choosing for others by preventing them from achieving
what they are choosing for themselves). It gives me no pleasure to
admit that I used to be passive-aggressive with Béla. He was very
punctual, it was important to him to be on time, and when I was
annoyed with him, I would stall when it was time to leave the house. I
would intentionally ĕnd a way to slow us down, to make us late, just
to spite him. He was choosing to arrive on time, and I wouldn’t let him
get what he wanted.
I told Ling and Jun that in blaming each other for their
unhappiness, they were avoiding the responsibility of making their
own joy. While on the surface they both seemed very assertive—Ling
always on Jun’s case, Jun doing what he pleased instead of what Ling
asked him to do—they were both experts at avoiding an honest
expression of “I want” or “I am.” Ling used the words “I want”—“I
want my husband to stop drinking”—but in wanting something for
someone else, she escaped having to know what she wanted for
herself. And Jun could rationalize his drinking by saying that his
drinking was Ling’s fault, a way to assert himself against her oppressive
expectations and criticisms. But if you give up the authority of your
own choices, then you are agreeing to be a victim—and a prisoner.