Chapter 5
century, people began to question the
meaning of romantic love. They wanted
to know how to tell if they were
experiencingtrueromantic love.
EricFromm(1956)attemptedtoexplain
hisconceptof love,suggestingthatpeople
tendtoseeloveinthecontextof being
loved,andthatlovingisaskillweneedto
learn.Hesuggestedloveisanarttobe
practiced,andthatpeopleworkingontheir
abilitytolovewilldemonstrategiving,
caring,responsibility,andrespect—manyof
theagapecharacteristics.Whilefewpeople
todaymarrysomeonetheydonotlove,love
isnottheonlydecidingfactor.
Compatibility
Theideaofcompatibilityhasbecomea
cornerstoneformanyindetermining
relationshipstrength.Mostofusthinkof
compatibilityasthecapacitytolivein
harmonywithsomeone—someonewe
enjoybeingwith,whowilllistenand
supportus,andwithwhomwesharemany
thingsincommon.However,thesetraitsare
notsufficienttokeeparelationshiptogether.
Wehavecounselednumerouscoupleswho
havebeenmarried15oreven20years.They
describetheirearlyrelationshipsasfullof
commonalities,butarenowtalkingabout
divorce.Lovemustbedefinedasmorethan
aseriesofcompatibilitytraits.Howmany
timeshaveyouheardayoungcouplesay
theyaremovingintogethertoseeiftheyare
“compatible”?Thisislookingatlove
throughthewronglens.
Compatibilitydoesnothingeonan
inventoryofpersonaltraits.Itisnotbased
oncommonalities.Itisnotsomethingyou
have—itissomethingyoumake.Itisa
disposition,anattitude,andawillingnessto
work.Mostofall,itisaprocessacouple
experiencesintheirgrowthtogether.Forthis
reason,andtominimizeconfusion,we
prefertocallthisprocesscommitment,not
compatibility.
Making Love Last
It is not unusual for clients to come
into our offices and say,“I love him [or
her],but I am notin lovewith him [or
her].”What does this really mean? It
means the relationship has lost its
Compatibility has become a cornerstone for
decision making about relationships, but
lasting relationships must be built on
more than compatibility.
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