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Chapter 5

century, people began to question the
meaning of romantic love. They wanted
to know how to tell if they were
experiencingtrueromantic love.
EricFromm(1956)attemptedtoexplain
hisconceptof love,suggestingthatpeople
tendtoseeloveinthecontextof being
loved,andthatlovingisaskillweneedto
learn.Hesuggestedloveisanarttobe
practiced,andthatpeopleworkingontheir
abilitytolovewilldemonstrategiving,
caring,responsibility,andrespect—manyof
theagapecharacteristics.Whilefewpeople
todaymarrysomeonetheydonotlove,love
isnottheonlydecidingfactor.

Compatibility

Theideaofcompatibilityhasbecomea
cornerstoneformanyindetermining
relationshipstrength.Mostofusthinkof
compatibilityasthecapacitytolivein
harmonywithsomeone—someonewe
enjoybeingwith,whowilllistenand
supportus,andwithwhomwesharemany
thingsincommon.However,thesetraitsare
notsufficienttokeeparelationshiptogether.
Wehavecounselednumerouscoupleswho
havebeenmarried15oreven20years.They
describetheirearlyrelationshipsasfullof
commonalities,butarenowtalkingabout
divorce.Lovemustbedefinedasmorethan
aseriesofcompatibilitytraits.Howmany
timeshaveyouheardayoungcouplesay
theyaremovingintogethertoseeiftheyare

“compatible”?Thisislookingatlove

throughthewronglens.

Compatibilitydoesnothingeonan

inventoryofpersonaltraits.Itisnotbased

oncommonalities.Itisnotsomethingyou

have—itissomethingyoumake.Itisa

disposition,anattitude,andawillingnessto

work.Mostofall,itisaprocessacouple

experiencesintheirgrowthtogether.Forthis

reason,andtominimizeconfusion,we

prefertocallthisprocesscommitment,not

compatibility.

Making Love Last

It is not unusual for clients to come

into our offices and say,“I love him [or

her],but I am notin lovewith him [or

her].”What does this really mean? It

means the relationship has lost its

Compatibility has become a cornerstone for

decision making about relationships, but

lasting relationships must be built on

more than compatibility.

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