Life Skills and Leadership Manual - Peace Corps

Life Skills & Leadership: Unit 2, Session 2: Positive Communication | Page 29 of 127

The format:

“When ____________________________________________________,

(Describe the situation; what you observed)

I feel _________________________________________________________.

(Describe your own feelings using feeling words)

I would like ___________________________________________________.

(Request something from the other person)

OK?” (Make sure there is understanding. Be open to new ideas.)

Where things go wrong:

1. Often “descriptions” of the situation are really evaluations or subjective judgments about the other
   person. For example, “When you leave the kitchen a mess ... ” is an evaluation. But, “When the dirty
   breakfast dishes are left in the sink ... ” is an observation.


2. We often don’t express a feeling after we say, “I feel.” For example, “I feel this is stupid,” or “I feel like
   you don’t care,” or even “I feel you lack some skills to do the job,” are not feeling statements. Other
   judgments we might confuse with emotions are: “I feel betrayed,” or “I feel misunderstood.” Saying “I
   feel betrayed,” is really saying, “You betrayed me.” The feeling underneath this statement might be
   anger or hurt.


3. We often think we are making a request, when we are really making a demand. When we make a
   request, the other person is always free to say yes or no to it.

When I use “I Statements,” the focus is on my feelings. I accept that it is my problem. No one can make me
feel anything. By accepting that my feelings are my own problem, I make it less likely that others will become
defensive.

If I am bothered, it is my problem.

If you are bothered, it is your problem.

If we care about each other’s feelings, it is our problem.

Handout 2: I Statements: A Communication Tool