Conflict Resolution Tool Kit 233
Such statements sound harsh and can make people feel as if they’re under
attack. Why? Because these areverbal attacks! “I messages,” on the other hand,
don’t put the other person on the defensive:
- “I feel upset when you yell at me.”
- “I’m concerned about this situation, and
I’d like to find a way to work it out.” - “I’d like to make things right between us.”
By focusing on “I” and on feelings,no one gets blamed or gets defensive.
Even when the person talking says something that you believe is untrue, don’t
cut him/her off. A person’s feelings, no matter what they are, are valid and
deserve to be heard. As hard at it might be to sit still and keep quiet, remember
that everyone in the conversation is entitled to speak without interruptions.
Problem: Nobody’s listening.
How to Handle It: Take turns hearing each other’s
point of view (step #3 tells you how).Step #3: Listen effectively. Start by letting the other person speak first and
explain what happened from his/her point of view. Listen with an open mind
and an open heart. Don’t interrupt, question, judge, or plan what you’re going
to say next. Just listen.
When it’s your turn to talk, explain what happened from your point of view.
Make sure that the other person listens to you without interrupting, question-
ing, or judging. If the other person starts to interrupt, you can say something
like, “Please let me finish what I’m saying, and then you can have a turn.”
Problem: People are blaming others.
How to Handle It: Take responsibility for your
part in the conflict (step #4 tells you how).Step #4: Ask yourself what role you played. Instead of worrying about
who’s to “blame,” figure out how each person contributed to the conflict. Think
about the other person’s point of view, and ask him/her to consider yours. To
ensure that all involved take responsibility for contributing to the conflict, have
each person answer this question out loud: what could I have done differently?