Self-Realization and Other Awakenings

How is it felt? Like a great aloneness spread
throughout my body and the surrounding presence you
might say of my soul. A waiting for a permeating
deadness to move off or up in one way of another; a
waiting for Little Red's death to pass through me, and
to let go of him and his presence.
Here I sit in my office today and Little Red has
been gone 22 hours. Lakshmi is on my lap. I am still
surrounded by Red’s water bowl and food dishes, and
about 4 feet from where he used to lay most often.
At first this morning I felt strange. I felt the
emptiness inside that I always felt, but mostly I felt
the absence of emotions, the absence of sadness or
loss. Gradually though a weight settled on my chest
making it a little difficult to breathe, then I felt a
wave of tension in my back, like a stiff blanket
covering my upper back and shoulders.
Then I began feeling a pain in my heart, both sharp
and dull at the same time, and a deepening sadness
spread throughout my presence. Finally, I was feeling
depressed. Yesterday it was just shock and disbelief.
Today, I feel a raw depression: Heaviness, loss,
sadness, and welling up of tears remembering Little
Red’s dead body on the blanket, and how, after the vet
left the room, I closed Red’s eyes so he appeared to be
asleep.