174 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
be an impediment to further development, or can enhance emotional growth
and move the young adult forward in his or her life. It is clear that the colli-
sion of parental death and developmental tasks can be disruptive to ongoing
developmental growth.
If the young adult is in a marriage, it may suffer as the individual mourns
the parent; conversely the bereaved individual may be able, in time, to make
meaning of the loss and embrace the concept of marriage and/or parenthood
as a step toward growth into the next generation. Because marker transitions
(choosing a career, marriage, and parenthood) are now delayed, identity
restructuring often continues into the 30s and can easily be disrupted by any
death or traumatic loss, such as loss of a parent. Losing a parent in young
adulthood has significant implications for identity development. The position
the young person held within the family and the quality of the relationship
with the surviving parent are both affected.
Bagnoli (2003) suggests that following the death of a parent, identity
development is much more challenging because the parent can no longer vali-
date the young adult’s quest for identity. Narratives from young adults who
have lost a parent reveal that most are determined “to carry on with life as
usual, regardless of the pain felt” (Bagnoli, 2003, p. 206). These young adults
need to demonstrate that they can make it on their own. The bereaved young
adult often denies the loss and becomes overactive. Bagnoli (2003) suggests
that the critical loss of the parent requires an internal reconstruction of the
deceased (“imagining the lost other”) in order to define one’s self. Although
loss can offer the possibility of reconstructing an identity, the narratives in
Bagnoli’s (2003) study point out how difficult and painful this can be.
A parent death can impair the young adult’s negotiation around psycho-
logically leaving the “nest” as the family configuration changes dramatically.
If a parent should die during this early phase of adulthood, the other parent is
often emotionally unavailable during the intense period of grieving for their
spouse. The young adult is left to grieve on her or his own, but can hopefully
engage in peer relationships for support during this period. The young adult
may also have relationships within the workplace that may offer some solace.
Oktay (2005) describes a young woman who had just been married and had
to return from her honeymoon to care for her ill mother. This young adult
struggled to become independent from her mother and establish a new mar-
riage while helping her mother at the end of her life. Oktay (2005) concluded
that many young women wanted to provide care for their mothers, yet they
also struggled with role conflict as they tried to balance their mother’s needs
with those of their growing families. Their grief was deep and they benefited
from rituals and therapeutic support after their mothers’ deaths.Death of a Life Partner
This section will address the loss of life partner (including a spouse) more
generally and then during young adulthood specifically. Holmes and Rahe
(1967) claim that the death of a spouse is the most stressful of all life events.
Individuals experience emotional, physical, and mental pain after a spouse/
life partner dies. The loss is intensified because the bereaved mourns the
partner who died, and also the connection of the relationship, the hopes they